Name: McTavish the Hairy Coo.
Weight: Big and bullish.
Distinguishing features: Ma long red locks and cute wee accent.
Catchphrase: Goad a'michty! Ma dampt hoovercraft's breemin' ower wi bluiddy eyls! Roughly translated, it means my hovercraft is full of eels. Wha-a-at? I like random.
Likes: Grass, grass, grass and the size of my a*** rump. And udders. I quite like udders. I invented an udderwired bra, but Camilla won’t try it.
Dislikes: Boggin bampots who think we smell! Just wait till I fart.
Favourite film: Braveheart … did you see my ancestors in it? In the background. Zoom in. You’ll see them. They’re there somewhere.
Favourite music: Donald Where’s Your Trooosers? Andy Stewart.
Favourite Book: Hamish the Highland Cow by Natalie Russell.
Food: Grass and more grass, with a side order of grass. Think I might try toffee apples, after reading my Hamish book.
Describe yourself in three words: Splendid Scottish Stock. (Braw belter, beef.) Cheerio the nou, see ye efter.